


A Series of Slightly Confusing Events

by Lanfear



Series: Mass Effect 1 [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-18
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 09:12:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanfear/pseuds/Lanfear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many years after the Reaper War, the galaxy has finally returned to a semblance of its former ebb and flow. Though the Mass Relays, as well as galactic civilization throughout the systems, underwent massive changes and adaptations the people still understand little of the events that lead up to and occurred during the War.</p><p>Part 2 of the Mass Effect 1 series focusing on Kaidan and Shepard and their thoughts during the events that lead up to Ilos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eden Prime

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of the Mass Effect 1 series I've been doing and takes off immediately from the first part of the story, The Stargazer! SPOILER WARNING! Recalls and links much of the game experiences in Mass Effect 1. I hope that you're reading this AFTER finishing ME1. :)

The Stargazer pauses.

 _Wait a minute. I was sure that Doctor T'Soni forwarded me some tiny and obscure vid recordings and entries about Eden Prime._ He puts down the datapad that is a collection of information gathered concerning the Normandy's team and their first prolonged experience with the Council and the Citadel as well as information, debriefings and personal considerations about the mission to Noveria.

He swings his chair back slowly and grumbles to himself about joints that are certainly aching more and more each night, especially after carrying little (maybe he wasn't that little after all) children back up to their rooms after a stark walk in the cold. The pacing to and fro from the study to the kitchen doesn't really help either, but at least he's grateful that he can continue his research and preparations here in his study.

He turns towards one of the many dominating shelves that runs along the two diagonal right sides of his cozy, little sanctuary and runs his eyes almost loving along the books, items and memorabilia that are crowded along in neat and crammed little rows, like a civilian passenger queue at an extremely busy docking port. His eyes drift slowly down towards the bottom shelf and sees a tray of vid-chips that he'd stored there long ago, small tabs that contained only a few minutes of vids each and weren't of any major historical significance since their focus tended to be on much smaller, even mundane, matters and people that history tended to ignore. To him, they were priceless. Each was a valuable and carefully treasured memory of incidents and experiences that would never be found again, perhaps because of their insignificance, and should the occassion warrant it and a fire spread through his home, he'd wrap the boy and this box of trinkets in a blanket and rush them out of the dwelling before anything else.

The problem was, in his opinion, sometimes they lacked enough substance to allow for a full story on their own. They would provide the fat on the meat, but he'd still need the meat to make a decent meal. He carefully bends down and starts to run his slender fingers along each vid-chip, slowly muttering to himself as his thoughts wander and turn in his head. Every now and then, he pauses, considers a chip and removes it from it's holding cell, placing it onto his other hand carefully. After just a few moments of freeing several more inmates from their confines, he has a collection of five to seven chips in his hand. He breathes a satisfied sound and turns carefully and makes his way back to his seat.

He places each vid in front of him, neat and in a row, considering how best to arrange them in a sequence that anyone would find appealing. With his frustration building he twists his chair around several times and scratches the back of his neck in apparent thought. His eyes rove the shelves around him, searching for inspiration, searching for something, _anything_ , that would give him the shock of creativity that he so desperatly needs. Nothing stirs.

 _Perhaps if I just watched them together, something might hit me._ He arranges each vid in chronological order and starts with the first. It is a short eight second clip from a security cam-bot that was stationed over the Prothean Beacon bay on Eden Prime. He watches as Kaidan Alenko accidentally activates the beacon and is suddenly lifted into the air. He goes rigid with shock and suddenly a charging Shepard pushes him out of the way and takes the full force of the beacon attempting to relay alien information into his mind. He collapses as the beacon shatters and Kaidan pulls himself up and rushes to Shepard's side. Then it stops. Subsequently, a short written statement follows up and describes a personal report that Kaidan had written down about his experience on Eden Prime and Shepard.

 

*****

 

Kaidan couldn't believe he'd done something so stupid. How could he have been so careless and almost gotten himself killed on Eden Prime.

 _Gotten myself or Shepard killed_. Despite himself, he blanched white at the thought of being in any way related to any incident that would have harmed Shepard and stopped for a moment, wondering where that obscure, little feeling came from. Sure the man had mystifyingly, blue eyes but he wasn't so starved for companionship that he'd tumble just about anyone, especially not his senior officer.

He paused again. Why on Earth was he thinking about Shepard that way and picturing himself hooking up with the Lieutenant? Must be some post-fight feelings that he hadn't worked out of his system yet.

Shepard interrupted his thought before it could continue. Shepard groaned ever so slightly as he stirred and sat up slowly, trying desperately not to let the visions that were unleashed by the beacon overwhelm his mind. Doctor Chakwas walked up to him from behind Kaidan and immediately began to debrief him about the events that occurred post-mission. Shepard was still groggy, his eyes unfocused and hazy, as he tried to keep up with Chakwas and their conversation.

Kaidan was taking the opportunity to study Shepard from his vantage behind him, watching the way his arm rippled as he reach up over to his forehead and an overwhelming feeling of wanting to reach out to Shepard almost made him step forward. He just barely managed to swallow the words that he wanted to say and took a deep breath before saying instead, "It was my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it." He could feel the slight burn of embarassment as it slowly stained his cheeks and hoped that Shepard didn't notice the way he was slowly shifting back and forth on his feet. "You had to push me out of the way." he muttered lamely as he tried to maintain eye contact with his senior officer. He stood there, waiting to be called down for his thoughtless actions, for Shepard to tell him that his words weren't enough, to hear that-

"You had no way to know what would happen" Shepard retorted, his features still slightly squinted from the way that the dull throb was trying to bore its way out of his skull.

Kaidan's eyes widened slightly. He stood there speechless. Of all the scenarios that he had been flailing himself with in his head, this certainly didn't count as one of them. He saw the way Shepard tried to look up at him despite the pain that must have been almost too much to bear and a the blush that he had managed to trap away returned in greater force. He looked to the side and smiled slightly before remembering his place, and that Dr. Chakwas was giving them both a rather considering stare, and schooled his face back to a more proper military blankness.

 

*

Kaidan had just managed to snag himself a snack in the mess, biotics needed much more calories than the average marine, and had just begun to tick off some technical data on his omni-tool. With one arm half-raised to his face and while the other mechanically brought the protein, carbohydrate and fat rich (but mostly tasteless) bar up to his mouth he wandered around the crew deck and was trying to make sense of all the ship specifics and technical developments. Turian technology, while not so different in processing compared to human technology and their binary systems, did have enough discrepancies that Kaidan felt slight lagged and akward in trying to identify everything that his omni-tool was throwing out at him. A small and minor beep signalled that the template that he was attempting to utilize didn't have enough processing power to directly interface with both his omni-tool and the schematics that he was trying to access directly from the ships mainframe server. Looking up, he saw what appeared to be a small row of consoles and, with grim determination, made his way over to see if he could use the console to create a direct access link between the ship and the smaller tech piece that hovered over his arm.

The work was calming and soothing. The monotony and ordered processes felt right and comfortable, like he was slipping into an old habit. The work crowded this thoughts, chasing away the errant way he kept wondering how Shepard was doing. Whether he'd be okay, and whether that look he gave him meant anything.The empty bar wrapper went into his pocket as he continued tinkering. A beep interrupted the pattern that he was hoping to weave himself into.

 _Dammit. The firewalls are keeping me out. Maybe I can try a remote bypass to access non-specific areas of_ -

He bent over to look under the console with the intent to start tinkering around and quite suddenly felt the soft vibrations of footfalls moving closer towards him. He froze and hoped that it didn't look like he was doing something that went against the regs, or at the very least hoped that he didn't look suspicious at all. A bead of sweat began to slide down his forehead as his nervousness betrayed him. _Better to make it look like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Come on soldier, act casual_. He slowly stood up and turned, trying to make it look like he just happened to be bent over working hard at whatever technical systems the console provided and wiped away that single drop with a casual motion.

 _Ah, Hell_. He thought that things couldn't get worse as Shepard made his careful way across from the mess and made a beeline straight for him. In a moment of absolute and giddy panic, Kaidan's mind fumbled with the words and in near desperation lets fly the first thing that comes to mind.

"Commander, I'm glad to see that you're okay."

What? Why did that have to be the first thing that fell from his lips? He didn't realize that he's still subconciously talking and winced at mentioning Jenkins and their run in with the geth back on Eden Prime. As Shepard picked up the conversation and Kaidan responded as best he could without overstepping his bounds, Kaidan drinks in the sight of the man before him. The slight tightening of the corners of his eyes, indicating that the pain had faded but wasn't completely gone. The full lips that moved imperceptively and that deep and tranquil voice as it ran warm, caressing fingers along his ears and into his brain. He tried to stop himself from staring at those endlessly captivating eyes, aware that once he started he'd have been rendered speechless and would continue to stare unblinkingly even if the Normandy were shot down from orbit.

Suddenly, he became aware of his body's reaction to Shepard's close proximity and, coupled with his juvenile day-dreams, had begun to feel a tightening in his pants. He swallowed hard and had to focus most of his willpower in order to keep up with what Shepard was saying. He tried imagining himself in many different, uncomfortable scenarios but Shepard's voice was beginning to drown out all other thoughts. He felt a warmth collect in his chest and frightenedly tracked it's progress as it languidly made it's way down his stomach, growing deeper and warmer by the second. His cock was beginning to stiffen and press against the fabric of his military pants and, with a quick apology, desperately began to imagine Doctor Chakwas giving Commander Vyrnnus a lap dance wearing nothing but a frilly, pink apron. His ardour quickly recoiled at the vivid mental image and he breathed a sigh of relief as he comes once more to the present and focuses on the conversation with Shepard. Hopefully, and he felt guilty at himself for thinking of it, the lingering pain would have distracted Shepard enough that he didn't realize about the fierce internal struggle that Kaidan was having with himself and his libido. Wary of letting the other man's voice rally back those thoughts, Kaidan tried to move away from Shepard without appearing too rude or insubordinate.

"What ever happens, we'll be ready Commander", Kaidan said, hoping that he managed to inject some measure of confidence and finality into that statement. Shepard's slight quirk of the mouth was almost enough to have Kaidan involuntarily reach out to rub his thumb along the other man's cheek. As Shepard turned to walk away, Kaidan let out a deep and, hopefully inaudible, breath and decided that this was a highly inappropriate state in which to meet the Citadel council. He turned his omni-tool to standby as he carefully made his way to the crew quarters and hoped that he could at least have a few minutes of privacy, since most of the crew were making preparations on the Citadel approach, to take himself in hand and thrash out all these confusing and distracting feelings that were beginning to take root between himself and Commander Shepard.


	2. The Strobe to Noveria

The entry ends and he rubs his slightly aching neck as he considers what he'd just read. With a breathy sigh, he thinks to himself, _Who would have thought Kaidan, with his tight control over his emotions and almost fanatical adherence to rank and file, would have been so angsty and pining away._ The Stargazer grins to himself. _I can't belive how blind those two were. Then again, I guess since they were so unfamiliar with each other, it was probably really hard to tell what those facial twitches meant._ With a yawn and a stretch he makes a blind grab for his large and quite ungainly mug of coffee and almost promptly spews brown liquid all over his work interface. Thankfully, he clamps his lips shut before his mouth and throat can manage to eject the offendingly cold intruder out of his system. Forcing a swallow, he grimaces and places the coffee back at the corner of his table, glaring at it accussingly, as if it were to blame for it's sorry state.

With a quick twist, he turns back to the vid-chips that are still arrayed before him, placing the Eden Prime piece back at the head of the row. His fingers slowly dance across each consecutive piece, hastily and briefly scrolling through each entry that is arrayed before him. He wonders about just putting them together as they are time-stamped, like a literary strobe of events:

 

A Citadel surveillance footage from the Rapid Transit system. Kaidan's first reaction to the Citadel with Ashely Williams, how they all stand and appreciate the view and contemplate and dissect their different thoughts and feelings. How Kaidan accidentally let's slip that he thinks Shepard is a beautiful man. Shepard's slight twitch of an eye, barely noticeable through the vid or to his two companions, and the politically appropriate way he refuses to acknowledge the slip.

Shepard's entry. The Prothean architechture of the Council Chambers with towering pink trees that seem unnaturally soft and looked like it was glowing with an otherworldly radiance. How such faint colours reminded him of that blush he noticed on Kaidan's flushed cheeks as he kept verbally tripping over himself. The small stirrings it rose within himself that he had refused to acknowledge.

Ashley Williams, private data log sent to her sister Sarah. Their discussions about Commander Shepard. The makeshift poem that she attempted to write about him and had deleted from her omni-tool. Her admiration for his professionalism and honourable conduct in her presence, her embarassing attempts at flirting and dry, dry humour. Her suspicions about Shepard and Kaidan and how her desire to find out almost drove her mad in the tight confines of the ship. How she manages to get closer to Kaidan and, getting him slightly more drunk that usual, manages to confirm her theories. Her slowly growing pleasure at seeing the strained closeness that was forming between the two of them and the hope that it would build into something more. Her last poem, deleted, failed to send to Kaidan, as an inspirational message to 'get his ass moving and make good with the Commander, with all due respect LT'.

Doctor Karin Chakwas. Medical investigation and compiled personal input on the subject of Kaidan Alenko, L2 implant. Her patient and calm descriptions to the Commander, who looked shifty and concerned, as she tried to give him as much information as she could about the L2 implant that was imbedded within the Lieutenant. The way her curiosity also began to spike and she took it upon herself to do some extra research on the subject, but due to the limited contact with surviving L2s, lacked any full-bodied data. Her growing amusement as Shepard keeps coming over to her to ask how Kaidan, and his implant, is doing. She can only give him what she had already given him before. Her growing impatience and frustration as Shepard meticulously returns to ask the same questions. The consideration of their relationship and the comfortable warmth that spreads through her as she smiles each time she observes them watching each other so cautiously.

Doctor Liara T'Soni. Debriefing and details forwarded to her personal computer after Therum. Thoughts on her mission and her mother Benezia which appears edited. The writing she did about Commander Shepard, coming in to save her from the geth and her Prothean prison. How his intuition, cunning and reckless bravery sparked feelings within her that she constantly attributed to her Maiden life-stage. The attraction to sex, to danger and the tentative tastes in the air she can feel around Shepard that reflects those things her instincts are screaming at her to take, to touch. Her failed attempts at flirting with the man, and her rushed confessions about how she feels. How, as he checks up on her time and again, she senses the pheremone shift that indicates his immense attraction that _isn't_ her. How she scours the crew, one at a time, isolating and stalking them into dark corners so that she could gauge who it was that held the Commander's heart, using the excuse of friendship and starting conversations to do so. Her shock as she befriends Kaidan, and realizes that the pheremone patterns match Shepard's, like a bright, shining holo that jabs itself at both men. Her disappointment and anguish, about how those two felt so _right_. Her smile as she allows herself happiness for the man she admires and the man she has begun to call friend.

Crew reports. Personal data entry logs, diary writings, personal acclamation reports and ship-wide mass message packets. How they notice the Commander's growing concern for one special person aboard the Normandy. They always see him head straight down to the crew quarters after every mission, sometimes even neglecting to head down and remove and clean his arms and armour, and hesitates as he approaches the Lieutenant. Always the Lieutenant first. The tiniest bounce in his step as he walks away from their conversations and the head lost in thought as crew member's salutes are not returned and forgotten. The Lieutenant, always stationed outside the Commander's room, working on that same console. There were many other consoles around the ship they reasoned, and never did they think to tell the Lieutenant that. Smiles that sometimes crawled over their faces to see their Commander as excited as they've ever seen him.

 

 _Nothing really worth mentioning, such small amounts of personal information,_ the Stargazer muses to himself as he places down the last vid-chip. Sometimes, reading these snippets makes him want to tear his old, white hair out by their weakened roots as the feelings of frustration builds within him. He can't believe how _blind_ those two were! Almost every single person on the Normandy came to realize the connection that was forming between Shepard and Kaidan and they had to wait till Ilos before even thinking of going all the way!

 _Calm yourself, man. It's in the past. It's over and done with and besides,_ he thinks as collects the vid-chips and places them off to the side, picking up the report of Noveria, _there's still a long way to go_. Despite himself, he smiles and reaches instinctively for the almost forgotten cup of frigid caffeine while he reads over the entries compiled from witnesses, squad-mates, security footage and the accounts of the soldiers that were stationed on Peak 15.

 

 

*****

"Hostiles on your six!" Kaidan yelled through their group comm system.

His amp was already starting to spark as the bluish-purple nimbus of his biotics momentarily encompassed him and he prepared to send out a Lift to hold the rachni in place for the rest of the soldiers and his team mates to easily gun down. He whipped his pistol out in the same moment that his Lift left his other hand and he firmly grasped the butt of the weapon in both hands as he squeezed off one shot after another, looking for weaknesses amid armour plating and thrashing tentacles, trying to make each shot count. Liara's responsed to the presence of the rachni just as quickly, and out of the corner of his vision he watched her gracefully unfurl her hand as she threw a Warp at the nearest monster, pausing to pull out her oversized shotgun.

The biotic feedback washed over them both as the reactions between the two forces caused the first few rachni to smash themselves with armor-shearing force against the frozen metal flooring of the room. Kaidan could still feel the after-effects as the glow surrounding the creatures winked out and sputtered, their forces spent, and mentally ticked down the time in his head as he prepared another Lift to keep the remaining rachni from overrunning them, hoping to send them floating helplessly up into the air. The thought curled and evaporated in his head as a storm of rounds broke away from behind him, each hit meticulously placed to hit a compound eye, leg joint, mouth part or abdomen and he felt like he was standing still amongst a swirl of miniature shooting stars. The energy that he had collected and prepared to throw out filled the back of his mind as more points of light curved their way around him landing on the enemy in front of him with surgical precision.

He turned around and saw Shepard, calmly folding and holstering his assault rifle, the constant beeping of the overheat sink a counterpoint to his face blank and serious face. Shepard raked his view around his team mates and surveyed the work he had done, like an artist who had just finished the last touches on his masterpiece. After a few sweeps, he turned to look at Kaidan and he swore that he saw the tiniest nod and smile being directed at him before Shepard schooled his face back to blankness, turned around and resumed his conversation with Captain Ventralis.

Kaidan forced his amp to cooldown and let the energy that he was holding dissipate harmlessly around him in invisible waves that he felt more than saw and saw Liara powering down at the same time as she stowed her shotgun away and began taking deep breaths. _That thing had to be akward for her_ , he thinks of the large and ungainly shotgun that she had wielded, _Maybe it'd be a good idea to help her get used to it, especially since she's part of the team now_.

With the intent of seeing how Liara was holding up, he took a step towards her as she noticed his movements, looked up and smiled at him. He took another step before he felt it. A tingle. A whisper of something sharp being pulled against the amp that is nestled at the base of his skull. His eyes widen in shock and denial that leaves him momentarily frozen on the spot and he kept muttering to himself, _No no no, this isn't the time for this to be happening. No, damn it, no!_

Liara immediately noticed the change that washed over him and the concern that played across her face sent spikes of panic shooting through his head and down his spine. He knew that feeling intimately, like an old friend, one he hated and wished he'd never had met. The tingle from the amp had begun to grow insistent and he shook his head at Liara as Shepard had just finished getting permission to access the inner areas of Rift Station. He had a feeling that that last fight might have been the cause, along with being thrown straight into his first real, prolonged battle together with the energy that he had been holding in through his amp.

With a quick, backward glance, Shepard gathered up the rest of his team and slowly and carefully made his way into the deeper recesses. Looking forward and back straight, Shepard was hardly to blame when he didn't notice the slight tightening of Kaidan's eyes and the way the amp was ratcheting up around his spinal column. He felt a small and demure hand place itself against the small of Kaidan's back and he silently thanked Liara for guiding him through the long passage. He knew that he was lucky compared to most other L2s and 'only' had to suffer brain crunching migraines, rather than a host of other horrifying disabilities such as a complete shutdown of his nervous system, spontaneous brain hemorrhages or permanent and incurable quadriplegia. As the first tentative spikes of pain began to finger their way slowly through his cranial cavity, the lights of the passageway started to strobe into his mind, the soft, white light becoming harsh and alien to him. He tried to distract himself with other thoughts, tried to will the migraine away and be a strong and healthy soldier for the mission.

 _I can't believe I told everyone that I don't wear underwear_ , he deliriously thought to himself. The uncomfortable silence that had followed his careless and casual comments about the planet's cold and his bodily reaction to it had almost coloured his armour as red as his face, and he knew that anything he said would have made it all the more worse, especially considering the way Shepard almost tripped and fell off the docking platform.

 _Shouldn't have mentioned that Benezia wore an outfit fit for an extranet fetish site either_ , he thought tiredly as the slow fingers of pain began to stab faster through his temples, remembering the way Liara's face started to turn purple and her eyes and mouth made three perfect little circles on her beautiful face. It was a good thing that Shepard had been about to walk into the complex, as Kaidan was sure that the way he flinched and stood frozen for a few seconds would have spelled disaster if her really _did_ fall off the side of the platform. _He's probably thinking I'm some dirty, kinky soldier who can't keep my hands to myself,_ he told himself disgustedly and kept berating himself as strongly as the pain that threatened to overwhelm him.

He was so busy on his single-minded task that he failed to realize that he had stopped moving and was actually crouched in the passageway, with Liara's hands moving slowly up and down his spinal column outside of his armour, trying her best not to touch the sensitive and inflammed area where his amp was jacked into his central nervous system. He heard a distant yell of "Shepard!" from her and wondered dreamily what it was for, whether there were more big bug things to shoot at and that he had to get up and protect Shepard. He tried to stand and only succeeded in falling over onto his side as the lights of the tunnel continued to shine through his eyelids and turned his world hot and burning white.

 

 

*

Kaidan was dreaming. He had to be. Felt so light. So right.

Someone was carrying him. He snuggled up close against whatever it was he was pressed up against. It made him feel safe, and protected, and he wasn't even sure why.

He could lay there, like this, forever. So safe. He grunted as he was placed carefully onto something soft. Comfortable against the back of his head. Someone was rolling him onto his side.

Echoes of orders and commands coming from somewhere behind him. A cool and tingly feeling, not the rough, rasping tingle of his amp, spread across his neck and the base of his head.

Soothed the pain very slightly. A familiar scent hit him. _Medi-gel_ , he thought. _That's not right. Medi-gel shouldn't be working like this_.

The lights dimmed, probably because of the door as it hissed shut.

He was glad to be alone, glad that no one was there to see his weakness, his pain, his vulnerability. He wasn't afraid of the pain, but he was afraid of what the others would think of him after they had seen him this way.

His thoughts flash-froze into stillness and silence and everything came to a crashing halt in his head as he felt something. Tentative. Warm. A strange counterpoint to the cooling feel of the medi-gel.

A fingertip. It brushed delicately, almost reverently, against the amp scar that ran just below his neck hairline. He could feel the finger skip the cool area around the amp and travelled it's casual way up. Up into his hair. Softly stroking his scalp and massaging his head in small and slight ways. It moved without purpose, seemingly a colonist exploring a vast, new world. It trailed across the exposed side of his head. Delicately followed the throbbing vein to his temple and soothed the dull ache as it moved.

So warm, so nice. It felt good. It felt _right_.

He could feel the ache in his head lessen as if it were being leeched out by that warm digit. As the pain faded away, so too did his concious mind and he felt himself slip away and under, being carried into a peaceful quiet by that ceaselessly roving spot of warmth.

 

 

*

Shepard had no idea what he was doing. He could feel the conflicting feelings burst and crash within him as he reasoned staying here in this dark and quiet room and leaving Kaidan to his misery. _That_ thought crushed everything else and he realized that he couldn't leave a team mate to suffer.

 _Is that all he is to you_ _?_  The tiny and unwanted thought shot through the huge tangle he was weaving inside himself and just managed to make everything even more disorganized within his mind.

 _This isn't right, taking advantage of him like this. Lying there insensate as you play with his hair!_ Shepard was railing to himself. He hoped Kaidan really was completely out of it, he thought guiltily, as it left him more time to touch, to see, to feel the heat throb under the man's scalp. The more he kept telling himself this was rank and file fraternization and that he should just leave Kaidan to recover on his own without sitting there and hovering like some creepy shadow, the more he just sat there using that finger to touch, to see, to feel. The strobe of emotions that continued their frigate fight within him slowly drew more and more distant as he focused on that finger.

Suddenly, within the darkness, a startling grin bloomed across his face. _So, Kaidan likes to go commando under his armour huh? I wonder what else he thinks of when he's not managing that filter of his. An extranet fetish site?_ Shepard can only wonder exactly _what_ kind of extranet sites Kaidan had been visiting in the past.

That familiar tightening of in his groin wiped away all those errant thoughts and his smile was wiped immediately from his face. He stared down at the man as his finger moved, over and around that soft, soft hair.

 _Where does this leave us,_ he wondered? _What does this mean?_

He refused to answer those thoughts and tried again, unsuccessfully, to drag his thoughts and exploring finger away from Kaidan. He sighed and just as he'd managed to convince himself to stand and exit the door, he felt Kaidan's head shift slightly under his touch. His hand withdrew at lighning speed, surprised the air hadn't been cut in half, and he had to control his breathing as his heart beat uncontrollably in his chest, like an errant schoolchild who'd been caught with dirty magazines in his bag.

"Wha-" Kaidan whispers into the dark bunk area, the nearest room with beds that Shepard could find.

"Hey Kaidan. You took a hell of a fall. How're you feeling?" His tongue immediately curled up in reproach as he realized that he'd spoken the Lieutenant's name with such familiarity and tenderness that he was surprised rainbow-coloured beams weren't shooting around the room. _That and the fact that he is obviously_ not _okay!_

"I.. uh.. I must have hit my head there pretty hard. Where are we?" Kaidan asked as he tried to sit up and glance around the darkend room.

"Rift Station. The solider's bunk room on the entry level. Nearest place I could find after you went down like that in the hall."

"Uh.. Thanks Commander, but I'll be fine. How long was I out for? We, uh.. the mission isn't over is it?" Despite himself, Kaidan really hoped that he hadn't been lying there the whole time while Shepard and Liara went off to look for Benezia all by themselves.

"Kaidan. You've only been out for ten minutes. Liara's taking the time to restock some of our supplies and talk to the doctors and scientists around here." Shepard says, a hint of endearment escaping the safeguards that he had tried to set around his mouth. He mentally kicked himself again for saying the Lieutenant's name like that, but he just couldn't stop himself. His tone turned more serious as his thoughts sobered him up. "What happened? Did some of that rachni gunk get under your armour?"

"I.. ah.. Remember when I told you I'm an L2, Commander? I mentioned.. I mean, I told you about the side-effects that some of us have? This... uh.. this one's mine. Migraines. Sometimes they stop at a mild throb. Sometimes, I... ah... get a slightly 'stronger' dose." Kaidan stammered, trying to organize his thoughts after the brain reboot he'd just experienced.

The concern in Shepard's eyes almost made them glow in the dim light of the bunk, but he turned his head to the side in an instinctive posture of thoughtfulness that he hoped masked the look that he gave Kaidan.

"If you're not feeling up to it, maybe you should just rest he-"

"No! I mean, uh.. I'm alright Commander, really I am. Though they tend to last abit longer, this one left pretty quickly. I.. uh.. don't really know why but... I guess it's a good thing." Kaidan hoped the dim light doesn't show the crimson that is beginning to invade his face and the shifting of his eyes at the memory of that finger, trailing its way across his scalp and how it soothed him and, at the same time, ignited a slow and steady burn deep within his chest.

Shepard's nod is all business, and he stood up and looked down at Kaidan still sitting on the edge of the bed, as he tried to get his bearings. His hand lifted itself up slowly, palm upwards, and he stood there, immovable and patient, waiting for an answer. Kaidan looked up, staring not at the offered hand that spread out before him, but at the man it belonged to, the strength of him in every line and curve of his body. Shepard, offering Kaidan a very small part of him, to help him find his way up to him.

Kaidan grasped the hand before him and with a nod, fell into step behind the Commander and felt his steps growing stronger the further on he walked.


	3. Gatecrash

After Noveria, things were... different.

Liara just couldn't understand how her mother, her sweet and caring mother, had become Saren's dark mistress. She had squirreled herself away into her tiny, metallic hole behind the infirmary and stared blankly at the monitor in front of her for what felt like days, instead of minutes. Every so often, she could feel the glistening tears form and shudder their way down her blue skin and fall, one by one, onto the impassioned surface of her desk. She'd never felt more lonely in her short one hundred or so years than the way she felt at that precise moment. She'd never been particularly close to her 'father', as the humans would have chosen to term her other parent, and the asari word just failed to translate properly. It was a concept that her people found difficult to share with other species of the galaxy and made do with whatever colloquial terms the different races decided to come up with.

It was a concept that she had particular difficulty with as well, at this point. Though normally a calm and levelled headed asari, the repeating urge to lash out and crumple the bulkhead surrounding her left her both exhilarated and ashamed at the same time.

 _Oh, what a tangle this is making of me_ , she thought as she tried to focus her mind once again and on the screen before her while she scrubbed the tears gently from her cheeks. In asari terms, her 'father' had left her and her mother a little before her hundereth birthday. She remembered the wall-shaking 'discussion' that they had, while she peeked around the corner of the common wall, about the asari council and the doctrines about asari conduct. Since both were Matriarchs, they had equal say in the matter but both leaned on opposite ends of a very old argument. Her father was always much more tempermental and quicksilver than her mother and had stormed out, leaving Benezia to collect herself and celebrate her daughter's birthday with a very few close friends.

That was the last time that she'd seen her father, and shortly after, her Maiden spirit had her yearning for adventure. Her mother's strict upbringing made sure she stayed away from the usual merc bands and strip clubs that most other asari often frequented, and she managed to channel her thirst for adventure into a more positive form: archaeological adventure and Prothean research. Prior to leaving home, she'd already studied in one of Thessia's more illustrious educational systems and felt her attraction to Prothean lore as surely as planets were pulled to the stars that they orbited.

The memories of home, the last fight she'd had with Benezia before she disappeared among the stars, the hazy feel of her father's form and so much more, all whirled around her head as she tried desperately to control her thoughts and emotions, to stop the pheremones of sadness and grief from escaping the confines of her body.

With a sudden and unexpected hiss, the door slid open and her shock was enough to halt whatever tears were emerging from her four tear ducts. She strained not to turn toward the intruder, hoping that her lack of mannerly conduct would be enough of an indication that she was otherwise pre-occupied. The scent and recognition hit her before she could adjust to the glare of the medical bay streaming in from behind the figure.

_Shepard._

She hoped that he hadn't seen the spots of dampness on her cheeks and desk and kept her face trained on her workstation as she surreptitiously used the fabric along her arms to wipe away any stray tears before he could notice.

*

He'd given Liara what comfort he could, and she'd accepted it, before he left her to her own thoughts and to the work that she seemed so engrossed in. He had wanted to make his usual rounds and check on the readiness of his crew, though he'd always tentatively approach Kaidan first, was in fact drawn towards him after almost every major mission. He knew that he couldn't give in this time and from the debriefing that he'd shared with Ashley and Garrus, as well as the looks of concerned that they had tried to hide from him, it would have been best if he'd went to make sure that Liara was alright first. He also knew that Liara must have been hurting bad, couldn't possibly understand what it was like to lose a parent in the way she had. Especially at her age.

The thought brought a brief tug along his jaw, a thought that never failed to amuse him, when he considered someone who was just over a _hundred years_ old as young and inexperienced.

As he exited the medical bay, he spotted Kaidan, bent over that same console just next to Shepard's new quarters. The smile that he'd been trying to suppress stretched itself comfortably across his mouth and since no one was around to notice, he stopped moving forward and stood just next to the infirmary entrance, leaning against the wall. His eyes followed the slightest twitch from Kaidan, the way it seemed that he was making miniscule bobs up and down as he tinkered with whatever it was that had so insistently held his attention at that particular console. He felt a little akward, standing there and leering at one of his crewmates, but he held his ground and watched the swell of Kaidan's perfectly round ass move with his body's rythm, the smallest movements caused it to bounce ever so slightly.

Shepard felt the air thicken and his pulse slowed down as he stood there, watching and admiring the gentle, almost soft movements of the man before him. His imagination began to move through his mind and he felt his vision narrow to the sight of Kaidan, the way he shifted against the platform next to him. He remembered the anguished look on Kaidan's face back on Noveria, how that feeling of protectiveness encompassed Shepard and all he had wanted to do was lay there, pressed up against Kaidan. Wanted to breathe deep the scent of his hair, the cool and clean scent of his skin. He wondered what it felt like to wrap his legs around those thick thighs, rubbing against the soft roundness that Kaidan seemed to take for granted. He felt an irrational sense of envy for whatever furniture it was that Kaidan would choose to sit on.

The sharp and drawn out hiss of the elevator to the cargo startled Shepard out of his daydream, brought him back to the here and now and made him more aware of himself. The slightly ragged breaths that were escaping from his mouth, opened ever so slightly apart, hoping for a taste of something... He wasn't quite so sure what. And of course, the tight, tented triangle that seemed to be the most prominent feature of his body at the moment. How it ached against the thick fabric of his regulation underwear and threatened to erupt at any moment. The lift clanged to a stop and he felt the first spicy feelings of panic pour its way through his system. He considered, briefly, walking back through the infirmary and waiting for his erection to subside but thankfully second-guessed his decision as he realized it would be horribly akward for Doctor Chakwas to look up and inquire about what he wanted with his cock waving at her like an old friend.

The thought helped to bring him down substantially and he breathed a sigh of relief as Garrus walked out, noticed the Commander nonchalantly leaning against the lockers along the medical bay and threw him a slight wave and a nod before he continued up the stairs and into the CIC. _Hopefully turians don't pay attention to the different 'protrusions' on a human body,_ Shepard thought wryly to himself and looked over at Kaidan once more.

With his libido cooling, he began to dissect the stray thoughts that had been cascading through his mind prior to Garrus' arrival and stopped at a sudden realization. He was _fantasizing_ about Kaidan!

He wanted to shake himself and cursed the hornbirds that were roosting on his shoulder. How could he have even considered... what would the Alliance do to him if... what if Kaidan didn't feel the same...

 _Shit_.

He couldn't talk to Kaidan this way. He'd blurt out every thought that was running in his head and not only would that be extremely akward, Kaidan might request for a transfer to another ship if he thought his Commander was hitting on him. And he _really_ didn't want that to happen.

He tried to reason with himself, told himself that it was just post-battle excitement combined with the concern that he'd had for Kaidan's wellbeing. For the wellbeing of every soldier under his command. He needed them fighting ready, needed them close enough and loyal enough to their commander.

 _I don't see you skulking in the cargo bay staring at Ashely this way,_ a whisper taunted him and he promptly shot it in right between the eyes.

_Yeah, that's it. Just wanted to make sure he's alright after that migraine. I'll check up on Garrus after that and see how he's doing with that tracking module he was calibrating. And Ashley too. Make sure they're all getting used to the Normandy and my command. Just a commander, doing his job._

Shepard shook himself, straightened his back and made his way over to Kaidan in order to ask him for some mission input from their encounter on Noveria.

Walking up to Kaidan, he almost believed the lie he told himself.


	4. Choices, choices

Things had been steadily getting better on the Normandy, despite the threat of the Geth and the mystery that surrounded Saren's betrayal.

The Normandy had been back to the Citadel a few times, to restock and resupply and Shepard had wanted to speak to Anderson and Udina personally, even though speaking to Udina was more of an after thought and was only done because Anderson had insisted on it. Talking to Udina always made Shepard want to take a long, hot shower afterward and he always relished hearing that the ambassador was otherwise pre-occupied.

Kaidan loved following the commander around. They'd maintain their standard 3-man formation whenever Shepard left the ship and, though he gave everyone a chance to join him on whatever assignments he had to undertake, most of the time Shepard would ask that Kaidan be part of the shore party. He'd say it matter-of-factly and would always understand if Kaidan preferred to stay aboard the Normandy but mostly Kaidan anticipated docking at the Citadel, waiting eagerly for Shepard to assign the rosters. Kaidan leapt at the opportunity and though there were times when he'd have preferred exploring areas like the Presidium and Wards on his own, being with Shepard was always refreshing for him. It also gave him a chance to get to know the third member of their little 'triangle' a little better as well.

Wrex was starting to become a slightly protective and very angry uncle to them and when Kaidan had point that out, the krogan had turned on him and told him in no uncertain terms that "he'd ever want to be related to such worthless pyjaks" and that given the chance, he'd "shoot them, twice to be sure, and drop their bodies from the Citadel Tower". That outburst had stunned Kaidan at first, but Shepard had just kept walking with a small grin on his face, totally ignoring the looming threat that Kaidan felt was sure to land on his head. Kaidan had also noticed that the krogan's eyes were starting to shine and he'd even let a C-sec officer who bumped into him walk off with a shove, rather than a full-blown Krogan headbutt. From then on, Kaidan had always enjoyed teasing Wrex roughly and it seemed that the krogan was beginning to enjoy spending more time with his other squad mates. He'd even offered to teach them all how to do a krogan headbutt, though Kaidan had to decline for fearing of sparking a feedback through his amp and Tali merely watched from the side of the cargo bays. Shepard, on the other hand, seemed genuinely appreciative of Wrex's lessons and was the krogan's best pupil.

Garrus on the other hand was less like an honourary uncle and more like a big brother, always wanting to compare their tech expertise and omni-tool preferences. Early on, Kaidan had already understood that turians were a very martial race and Garrus was no exception; he had an unnatural love of any weapon or gun, especially ones that were massively damaging. He'd often come up to talk to Kaidan and extoll the virtues of different rifle models and would often unconciously caress parts of the weapon, faint tinges of ardor echoing beside his voice. Kaidan remembered how uncomfortable it had made him at first, watching Garrus touch his Rosenkov Volkov VII that way and it always reminded him of the intimacy and passion that he was trying to avoid in his life.

Tali and Ashely were like his big sisters and were thought of as such in two different ways. Since Tali was a quarian, she was _very_ knowledgeable when it came down to tech talk and alot of the things that she'd talk about went slightly over his head. He'd even tried to ask her to simplify her explanations, and though he wasn't dense, he never managed to fully embrace some of the concepts that she'd tried multiple times to explain to him about. Like making his own combat drone or modding up his omni-tool in different ways. She'd even offered to give him some 'lessons' during their free time when they were in mission downtimes, but she'd soon lose patience with him and string quarian profanities together with enough force to make him blush.

Ashley was.. slightly different. More like an overbearing hardass that tried to keep him under her wing and stop him from doing anything too stupid or reckless, even with the differences in their military positions. It rankled him slightly and more often than not, it bordered on insubordination but the more care that she showed him, the more endeared he was to her ribbing and her attempts to keep his sanity in check. She'd always put on a tough front but he knew deep down she was a big softy, and he'd often catch her singing to herself and composing poetry when she thought no one was watching.

Liara made Kaidan slightly... conflicted. On one hand, he'd been jealous of Liara, thought that Shepard was interested in her and that she in him. Noveria had changed that and now he'd have to make clear with her where they stood. Kaidan didn't want her to hate him for taking the person she was interested away from her, especially after she had just lost her mother. He'd often found himself dealing with her as a younger sister, trying to care about her and make sure she was handling all the things that they were spacing through. Maybe it was the fact that out of all of them, she had the least military experience (he'd even felt Tali was more experienced due to her being part of a 'fleet' and under the command of 'admirals'). He didn't want her to cave in under the stress of all the missions that they were going through and the amount of death that was beginning to pile up around them.

And that brought him, with great difficulty and some measure of discomfort, to Shepard. Most of the crew saw him as an older brother or a protective uncle. Somewhere in between Wrex and Garrus. In fact, Kaidan had felt some tuggings along those lines, liking the way Shepard was opening up to him and getting a little more personal as their time on missions drew them closer. He still didn't really know if Shepard felt something _else_ for Kaidan, the faint stirrings that he had begun to feel more strongly of late and he was worried that his Commander would never allow that kind of fraternization on board his ship, let alone within his squad. Kaidan always came back to that point, he just felt like he didn't know the man well enough to understand what he was thinking and feeling about, well, _everything_.

Yeah, Shepard always came to him to talk, always wanted his opinions on so many different things, had shown an interest in Kaidan's past and seemed to keep wanting _more_. Kaidan had to admit to himself that one of the reasons he'd stationed himself at that console was so that he could be near Shepard, in case the man was looking for him. Close to Shepard. And he kept wondering if his commander would figure it out in the end.

During their conversations, Kaidan always opened up to the man, surprised that he was willing to talk about things that he'd never like mentioning to people, especially those that weren't close to him. He'd not told anyone else about Rahna, his time in BAaT and how he'd felt as he clawed his way out of that hellhole and up the ranks of the Alliance Military. He'd honestly been a little surprised in Shepard's interest in his past and he'd thought, _thought_ , that Shepard was very subtly flirting with him. Knowing he'd jump aboard without looking if that was true, he'd had to rein himself in and lied that he'd needed time to process all the things Shepard was suggesting, when in fact he wanted nothing more than to accept that offer and get closer to him.

So slowly it seemed, he'd discovered a family in space, and someone whom he admired and cared for who seemed to be returning his interest. Despite all the critical missions and foreboding evidence they'd come up with, Kaidan was happy. He wanted to get to know more about this little group he was travelling with, especially Shepard, and damn those fraternization regs. Even after things like the Thorian on Feros (he still felt a wierd itching in his brain when he was alone, and wondered about the spores that the thing controlled) and the rachni on Noveria, he'd felt good. Strong, supported and hopeful.

Ready for anything and everything the galaxy threw at him.

 

*

The ship-wide comm system rang out, tinny and cold. It echoed across the entire ship and brought everyone's attention up, sending crewmen and women to their stations and the ground team down into the cargo bay, readying weapons and armour. Garrus and Shepard were cracking jokes about their last trip to the Citadel as they checked through their rifles and Wrex was merely leaning against the bulkhead, watching them, occassionally throwing in a comment and grunting. Ashley was pulling on her armour and bobbing her head to a tune she was humming while Tali and Kaidan were calibrating their omni-tools. Liara was seated in the corner of the bay, her eyes closed and the telltale flicker of biotics shimmering around her still form. Joker began finalizing the last procedures for the landing party and was double checking his instruments as the planet rose up sharply before them, spreading over the entirety of the viewing screens like a dark, majestic shadow.

_Sentry Omega Cluster. Hoc System._

_Virmire._


	5. Virmire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major Spoilers ahead! In fact, scratch that. My entire series is a spoiling and if you've already made it this far, well...

Kaidan's fingers flew across the make-shift engine core armament controls. He'd had to jury rig the device while the Normandy made its descent run into the middle of the facility and he'd fretted over whether the system would be able to synchronize properly with the drive core overload protocols. He hoped that the water wouldn't interfere with the setup procedures as he began to settle the core against the main point that was outlined in his omni-tool. A confirmation beep began to drone from the device next to his feet and he turned to monitor the progress bar as moved slowly along the circular grid on the back of his hand. As he waited, his thoughts began to consider the mission up until this point.

Things had gone surprisingly well. They'd managed to infiltrate right into the heart of the complex and bypassed most of the defenses like they were nothing. The information that they'd gleaned was horrifying, to say the least, and when Shepard had comm-ed them all with the brief summary of the situation, he detected something that he'd never heard before in the commander's voice. Shepard had been afraid. Perhaps the word was too strong, he doubted that anything could shake the man in that way, but he knew that his commander was worried and that his mind was trying very hard to analyze and rationalize the concepts that were being flung at him. He wasn't sure the rest of the squad weren't dwelling on the revelations either. With his thoughts swirling around that way, he hoped that Shepard wouldn't take any unneccesary risks as he took Wrex and Garrus to support Ash and Kirrahe up at the upper levels, near the base's forward entrance where they were pinned down by heavy Geth resistance.

That the 'distraction' unit had survived as well as they had was miraculous and it further emphasized how competent the salarian STG squad was in making the enemy pay for every inch that they tried to claim. He was also pleasantly relieved at Ash's success and had worried about her brute soldier training clashing with the infiltration team's methods. He'd have to toast the woman when this mission was done and get her rip-roaringly drunk onboard the Normandy with promises of secrets kept and teasing that he was sure the woman would be embarassed to be the focus of.

The omni-tool bar pinged at 95 percent synchronization when a round shot past his cheek and embedded itself in the strut that was directly in front of him.

 _Careless,_ he thought to himself as he instinctively rolled to the side and doubled the strength of his barrier as he stopped under cover. _Just because the commander managed to clear the area didn't mean that there weren't reinforcements coming from the other side of the facility,_ he scolded and took a breath while surveying the area to make sure the rest of his backup had made it successfully to cover. They were pinned down behind some structural defenses and already launching their own volley of rounds against the approaching forces, since they were probably paying more attention to the situation than he was.

He carefully lifted himself up and peeked over the edge to see the enemy's deployment and blanched at the sight.

A Geth dropship was circling lazily against the fading sky, no doubt preparing to drop down a wave of hostile machinery right into Kaidan's lap and the first wave were already advancing toward the small bomb team and dodging the salvoes that were being thrown at them. The Normandy was circling behind the facility and her much larger size meant she'd need more time to pull up sharply in order to take out the dropship, which deprived them of any significant aerial support. He spotted a Geth Prime emerging from the side entrance that Shepard had first come through and knew that they were being systematically overrun.

"Heads up, L-T. We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location," Ash's voice rang over the comm frequency that they were using.

He ducked back down and keyed the omni-tool along his arm to see if it was ready for remote armament and detonation. SYNCHRONIZATION FAILED, PROGRESS 97 PERCENT, it bleated pathetically to him and he cursed himself for ducking out of range of the tool's and the bomb's sensor port. If he'd had more time, he would have been able to come up with something that could have been triggered along a tight, long-ranged beam, though the risk of the Geth hacking into the frequency would have been greatly increased as well.

"It's already here. There's Geth pouring out all over the bomb site," he snapped back. He could feel his chest tighten as he realized that the next best thing to do would be to manually configure the bomb's armament controls to trigger on a countdown. His mind barely processed the back and forth that all three groups were having and was already mentally preparing himself on the protocol re-writes and system bypasses that he'd have to preform in order to modify the bomb's setting. Thankfully military training had lent him the foresight to add a plan B to the system, as well as a plan C, and he smoothly stood up and leapt towards the limited cover that the bomb shell provided. A few points of energy spent themselves harmlessly against his barrier but he knew that he wouldn't have the strength to withstand heavy fire for very long. His suit confirmed that he was at 74 percent shield capacity and he crounched low, his omni-tool glaring in the shadow of the crude device, as he began the procedure.

An overload was thrown against the shell of the engine core and he grunted in surprise and triggered a remote barrier to encompass the unit, though that weakened his personal barrier at the same time. He had to complete the mission and if the bomb was riddled with holes from hostile fire, they'd never be able to destroy the facility effectively. He hoped that Shepard had already managed to extract the forward team or that Ash had gotten pissed off and carved her way to the commander in a hail of fire and exploding bullets, because he doubted that they would be able to defend this position and the bomb for more than a few minutes.

"Screw that! We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko," he heard through the comm channels and immediately bit back a sharp retort at Ash's gung-ho reply. The steady staccato of weaponfire seemed to underscore her words and he instinctively knew that Ash's unit was facing very desperate odds. _No,_ he thought _, don't do it Commander, get to Ash and save her,_ though he felt a chill ratchet itself up his spine and into his amp. He knew the score, knew what they'd been sent to do and would have gladly sacrificed himself for a team mate and the mission.

The comm was dead silent for moment, and he held his breath as his fingers worked numbly and mechanically around the omni-tool interface. What would Shepard do? He knew the way the commander felt about him and could feel a gnawing sense of guilt start to grow within and prayed feverishly that Shepard was not basing his decision on those emotional ties. He immediately felt ashamed of himself for thinking of it that way, and he _knew_ Shepard wouldn't make such a desperate, snap decision based on how he felt about his subordinates.

 _But isn't that what you want? Don't you want Shepard to choose you, validate you,_ only _you? Save you from yourself and everything else? What would you think if he chose someone else over you? What would it mean about_ us _? Would you really want him to choose Ash over you,_ a tiny part of himself kept whispering deep in the back of his mind, over and over. He wanted to tell it to shut up, wanted to find some way to stop its selfish lies but the whisper had a siren's cadence to it and he fell helplessly into its rythm even as he'd locked into the timer override. He wanted to be with Shepard, know him as an equal and partner, build a life and a future with him if he could, but _never_ at the expense of another's life, especially a person who was like a sister to him.

As the silence grew longer and he finalized the operating protocols, he found himself repeating over and over again, _No Shepard, no Commander, please, don't come back, please, no, don't come back, Shepard..._

"Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet _us_ at the bomb site," Shepard finally replied, and Kaidan was amazed at the composure in his tone. He'd have been a wreck if he had to choose between anyone under his command. He took a deep breath and sighed,

"Yes, Commander. I..." he stuttered but couldn't finish as he felt the lump in his throat squash out the sound of his voice. He knew that Ash was still on the other end of their comm-line. He ignored the fatalistic things that Ash was saying and he kept telling himself that there was no way that Shepard would leave anyone behind. Maybe he could help Shepard sweep the Geth away from the bomb site and then he'd have enough time to charge in and get back up to Ashley. The brief and fragile thought gave him a flicker of hope which grew incrementally as he looked down at his omni-tool. ARMAMENT PROCEDURE: COUNTDOWN DETONATION. PLEASE UPLOAD TIMER.

 _Yes_! He began to adjust the countdown settings as the hope he felt in him continued to burn steadily.

As he looked up from his work, Kaidan glimpsed a silver and black.. _thing_ riding what looked like a metallic board with an eye throw something that twisted and sparkled in the air before it struck him aside, overloaded his barrier and shields and wrapped his vision in cool streaks of bluish-white.

*

"..enko! Come on, Alenko! We have to go! Don't do this to me Kaidan, come back!" he could hear the distant echoes of Shepard's voice ringing against the inside of his helmet. _Wha-_ , a deep breath and resulting cough threatened to blank his mind again and interrupted his thoughts. _What just happened?_

He cracked his eyes open briefly, staring up at the most ruggedly, beautiful face he'd ever seen, surrounded by the glowing nimbus of the setting sun. The concern and worry that streaked those features just barely managed to hide the burning heat behind what must have been the eyes of the being before him. Heat that stirred something deep and primal within him. _I must be dead_ , he whispered deliriously, _Shepard must have gone for Ash and I died in the blast that I intended to set up._

Watching the face, what damn beautiful lips it had, move closer toward him made his mouth twitch upward slightly as he placed those features one by one.

"Shepard..." he whispered before feeling the leadened weights of his eyes carry the wonderful sight with him back into darkness.

*

Something jostled him back to conciousness, and he felt the telltale cool tingling of medi-gel as it was being copiously introduced into his system by his armour. As the icy wave crept slowly through his nervous system, he began to feel more and more awake. His limbs still felt numb and he wondered how that was possible when he saw the ground moving stutteringly through his field of view. He turned his head slightly and immediately recognized the back that he'd always seen in front of him, had always thought about touching and caressing. Looking lower down, he knew he'd recognize that ass anywhere in the galaxy system even if he'd have both eyes put out.

Realization dawned slowly that Shepard was carrying him over his shoulder like a sack of rations, and he felt a flush of embarassment at being nothing more than deadweight, and awe at the commander's strength. He tried to open his mouth to tell him that he'd recoverred enough to stand but found that his mouth could hardly move. _Must have been hit by a Warp, pretty damn strong one too, fried what little I had since I had to shield the bomb as well_.

He could only bounce there over Shepard's shoulder as he helplessly watched the bomb grow smaller and leave his range of vision. From the familiar hum of ship engines, he'd guessed that they were heading to the extraction point and were about to board the Normandy. He tried to grin in relief and thought about how Ash would laugh and tease him about having to be carried on board while she swepth through hostile machines like a mythical valkyrie. He'd definately have to buy her more than a round, if he could even stand to be in the same deck level as her.

A slight staticky sound ground his thoughts to a halt and he tried to focus on the tiny voice being projected through the helmet's audio channels.

"Hey, L-T."

His mind froze. He swore his heart stopped beating for just a second, and resumed again at thrice the speed. He'd never heard Ash that.. that.. _sad_ before. Suddenly everything came crashing through. Ash wasn't with them, Shepard hadn't been able to reach her and they were going to leave without her. Leave her to die on this paradise world infested with damned Geth.

"Don't know if you can hear me. I'm trying to keep the Commander off this frequency. I know he'd never live with himself if he heard everything I wanted to tell you before.." there's an interruption as an explosive sound rips through his head, "..dammit! Almost got me-" the cough that interrupted her again almost had Kaidan twisting around in Shepard's grip.

"Damned Geth." with a sigh, she continued, "I know the Commander'd come and get me if he knew I was still up here, alive and kicking. L-T, take care of him. He's been like a brother to me and I know how you feel about him." Her smile is almost audible in his ears.

"I always told you, you were bad at holding your drink, L-T. There's so much I'd like to tell you Kaidan, and the Commander. I, uh.. left some messages on my private terminal in the bay. Can you make sure that my family gets them? They're.. kinda personal and.. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out here." Weaponfire blared through and interrupted her again, and Kaidan cursed the Geth for denying them just a few more minutes.

"Don't feel bad Lieutenant, it was the right choice and you _know_ I'd have torn him a new one if he didn't go back to get you. I.. I really wish I could see how all this'll end, don't really know what'll be waiting for you at the end but I know you'll give 'em one hell of a send off. Take care of each other L-T and excuse the insubornination, but that's an order. Ashely out." The comm died and he couldn't help the tears as they began to well in his eyes, wouldn't have wiped them away even if he could have moved his arms. He wished he could have said something, anything, to let her know she wouldn't meet the end alone. He didn't want her to take her last breaths alone.

As the metallic thud of Shepard's boots announced their entry into the Normandy, Kaidan watched in silent agony as the cargo bay doors started to swing upwards and cut off the gleaming light streaming in, his last view not of the twisted, metallic facility used to breed monsters. He refused to see the smoke as it curled around the structures, refused to see the second wave of Geth roll forward toward the bomb site. All he saw was a vision of Ash, leaning back against a pile of rubble like she was in a lounge chair reading her favourite novel, assualt rifle in hand, raking away swathes of enemy forces in front of her. He could almost imagine her bright smile as she heard the unmistakable hum of Normandy's engines and knew that, whatever else, she'd managed to save the lives of her friends and family as they accelerated upwards to safety.

The doors closed and once more enveloped Kaidan in darkness.

*

Shepard stared at the display consoles as Joker's fingers danced across the interface, prepping them for their jump through the mass relays, at one particular screen.

His face was harsh and felt detached from everything that was happening around him. The look that he'd worn had kept even Joker from making any comments as he stood there, watching.

He'd asked Joker to tune one of the screens before him on to the aft optic input and forced himself to watch silently at the image in front of him.

What had happened to Kaidan had had him worried sick and, though he knew that the biotic would fully recover without any negative consequences, a part of him couldn't help but turn over how he felt about Kaidan and the concern that seemed a constant part of his thoughts about the other man. The main body of his thoughts were focused, fiercely, on the view in front of him.

He knew he'd have to face many more situations like this in his career and he knew that Akuze was, unfortunately, not going to be a one off thing. He didn't even want to think about all that he'd learned on Virmire, about Sovereign, the Reapers, Saren and the Genophage. He only wanted to think about a strong-willed, poetic soldier that he'd first met in red and white armour at the start of all this, wanted to carve her image into the back of his brain.

All he could do was feel something quietly die inside of him as he watched a pin-prick of light flash into being, growing larger and larger as it encompassed the vision before him in white, purifying fire.


End file.
